If you need a good
laugh read the following. He tells it like it is without cursing.
We have the standard 6
ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries
increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to
me. I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the
biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then
used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.
One day I'm mowing the
back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is
broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the
charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to
throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it
after all.
Now I'm standing there,
I've got the running lawn mower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence
wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine
battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I
notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawn mower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the
fence charger and the piece of crap lawn mower were fighting over who would
control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot
crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all
three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a
second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along
and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It
seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about
30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is
wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I
know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those POS chargers made
by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not
let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm
going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I
remember I just filled the tank !
Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had
some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my
vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it
settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore
roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the
middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging
God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my
own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know
how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.
The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was
sunburned.
There were two large
dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let
go of the wire.
Upon waking from my
electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth
seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in
the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit
when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not
open.
5- My right eye will
not close.
6- The lawnmower runs
like a sum..... now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some
carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still
smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV
in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't
understand this???).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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