Puns for Educated Minds

1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.

I thought I saw an eye - doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.

She was only a whisky - maker, but he loved her still.

4.

A rubber - band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it   was a weapon of math disruption.

5.

No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for   littering.

7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.

A hole has been found in the nudist - camp wall.

The police   are   looking into it.

10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to   the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the   Grass.'

15.

The   midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium   at large.

16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.

A backward poet writes inverse.

18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your   count that votes.

19 .

When cannibals ate a missionary,

they got a taste of religion.

20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,

you'd be in Seine.

21.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The   stewardess looks at him and says,

'I'm sorry, only one carrion   allowed per passenger.'

22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and   says , 'Dam!'

  

23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in   the craft.   Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't   have your kayak and heat it too.

24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The   other says , 'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root - canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope   that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.