1. There are two sides to every
divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a
4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I saw a rather large woman
wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"
4. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I
get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
5. A sign In a Chinese Pet
Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
6. Money can't buy happiness but it
sure makes misery easier to live with.
7. I got a sweater for
Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do
they call the airport the "terminal"?
9. I don't approve of political
jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. The most precious thing we have
is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
11. If life deals you lemons, make
lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
12. I love being married. It's so
great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your
life.
13. Shopping tip: You can get
shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
14. Every day I beat my own
previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
15. No one ever says, "It's
only a game!" when their team is winning.
16. Ever notice that people who
spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?
17. How long a minute is, depends
on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
18. Isn't having a smoking section
in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
19. Marriage changes passion . . .
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
20. Why is it that most nudists are
people you don't want to see naked?
21. Snowmen fall from Heaven
un-assembled.
22. Every time I walk into a
singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you
don't know where it's been!"
23. Now that food has replaced sex
in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
24. How come we choose from just
two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
25. I signed up for an exercise
class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.
26. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever
we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt delete and start all over?
27. Wouldn't you know
it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live
forever.
