Some of these have been around
before, but still a good review.
Paraprosdokians: Figures of
speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or
unexpected.
1. Where there's a will, I want to
be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is
hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than
sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both
be wrong.
5. War does not determine who is
right - only who is left.
6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is
a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
7. They begin the evening news with
'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
8. To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.
10. In filling out an application,
where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."
11. I didn't say it was your fault,
I said I was blaming you.
12. Women will never be equal to
men until they can walk down the street... with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.
13. Behind every successful man is
his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
14. A clear conscience is the sign
of a fuzzy memory.
15. You do not need a parachute to
skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
16. Money can't buy happiness, but
it sure makes misery easier to live with.
17. There's a fine line between
cuddling and...holding someone down so they can't get away.
18. I used to be indecisive. Now
I'm not so sure.
19. You're never too old to learn
something stupid.
20. To be sure of hitting the
target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to
be.
22. Change is inevitable, except
from a vending machine.
23. Going to church doesn't make
you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Finally:
24. I'm supposed to respect my
elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.
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