Thursday, December 5, 2013

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Church Squirrels

(I don't care who you are, this is funny!)

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

The Presbyterian Church,

The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church, and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and the synagogue was over run with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called ‘Circumcision’ and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since!?!

Feminist Lesbians Viciously Attack Men Defending Their Catholic Cathedral in Argentina

Warning:  If you choose to watch the video, be prepared for a heart wrenchingly difficult display of obscene behavior and physical abuse.

Thousands of feminists, lesbians, and anti-Catholic bigots attempt to storm into a Roman Catholic Cathedral in Argentina (home of Pope Francis).

The men who choose to guard the Cathedral are heroic in their passivity and meekness. They could easily overpower the protest, but they choose not to. Notice how they lovingly protect each other using their hands to guard their compatriot’s faces, notice their continual prayers even as the despicable crowd chants vulgarity about the church in their faces.


Will this be coming to a church near you?  
Will you have the courage to defend the freedom of religion of any church under such attack?

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

PRE-THANKSGIVING LETTER FROM GRANDMA

Dear Family,

As far as I know, I’m not dead yet.  Thanksgiving is still important to me. 
If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might
consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00!   Not 2:15.  Not 2:05.   Two!  Arrive late and you get
what’s left over.

Last year, that moron 
Ed fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house.  This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Steve, your last new wife was an idiot.  You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.  Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things.  Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1.   Every year, the University of Iowa plays Nebraska the Friday after Thanksgiving. Unless that game gets moved to Thanksgiving, the television stays off during the meal.

2.  The “no cans for kids” rule still exists.  We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two.  Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty.  All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

3.  Kevin, last year we were at Craig's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up.  This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey.  You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t
 bring something that wiggles more than you.  Buy something from the bakery.

4.  Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy.  That is a fact of life.  Your children can eat healthy at your home.  At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5.  I cook with bacon and bacon grease.  That’s nothing new.  Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs.  Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it.   That’s why it tastes so good.  Not eating bacon is just not natural.  And as far as being healthy… look at me.  I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

6.  Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7.  I do not like cell phones.  Leave them in the car.

8.  I do not like video cameras.  There will be 32 people here.  I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9.  Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming 
over.  Michelle, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

10. Keri, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives.  I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too.  I can live with that.  Can you?

11. Words mean things.  I say what I mean.   Let me repeat:  You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything.   And if I did 
tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.  Really. This doesn’t have to be difficult.

12. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an
 on/off switch.  That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas.  Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. The election is over so I’ll watch what I say and you will do the same.  If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time.  If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer.  Drink until it is gone.  I prefer wine anyway.  But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.  I mean it...really!

Love You,

Grandma

You Better Not Pout, You Better Not Cry @ December 6


During the First Ecumenical Council of Nicea (AD 325), Arius was called upon to defend his position on the inferiority of Christ. Saint Nicholas just couldn’t listen to all of Arius’ nonsense and so he stood up and laid in to Arius with his fist.
The Emperor Constantine and the bishops present at the Council were alarmed by Nicholas’ act of violence against Arius. They immediately stripped Nicholas of his office as a bishop by confiscating the two items that marked out a man as a Christian bishop: Nicholas’ personal copy of the Gospels and his pallium (the vestment worn by all bishops in the East).
Now if that were the end of the story, we probably wouldn’t know about Saint Nicholas, and our children wouldn’t be asking him for presents. However, after Nicholas was deposed, the Lord Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin Mary visited Nicholas who was being held in a prison cell for his fist-fight with the heretic.
Our Lord Jesus Christ asked Saint Nicholas, “Why are you here?” Nicholas responded, “Because I love you, my Lord and my God.”
Christ then presented Nicholas with his copy of the Gospels. Next, the Blessed Virgin vested Nicholas with his episcopal pallium, thus restoring him to his rank as a bishop.

Warning to Heretics @ St. Nicholas Arrives December 6


St. Nicholas was born in AD 270 and became the Bishop of Myra in Lycia (modern day Turkey). He died on December 6, 343 leaving a legacy that would grow into a strong and multifaceted cult. He had a reputation for secret gift-giving, such as putting coins in the shoes of those who left them out for him, and thus became the model for Santa Claus, whose modern name comes from the Dutch Sinterklaas, itself from a series of elisions and corruptions of the transliteration of “Saint Nikolaos”. Although he is usually referred to as Sinterklaas, he is also known as De Goedheiligman (The Good Holy Man), Sint Nicolaas (Saint Nicholas) or simply as De Sint (The Saint). His reputation evolved among the faithful, as was common for early Christian saints.

The actual feast day of St. Nicholas is December 6th. 

During the First Ecumenical Council of Nicea (AD 325), Arius was called upon to defend his position on the inferiority of Christ. Saint Nicholas just couldn’t listen to all of Arius’ nonsense and so he stood up and laid in to Arius with his fist.



Your Advent Song of the Day

Alma Redemptoris Mater


Latin:
Alma redemptoris mater,
quae pervia caeli porta manes,
et stella maris,
succurre cadenti
surgere qui curat populo:

Tu quae genuisti, natura mirante,
tuum sanctum genitorem:
Virgo prius ac posterius,
Gabrielis ab ore
sumens illud Ave,
peccatorum miserere.

English Translation:
Loving Mother of the Redeemer,
who art ever the open gateway to heaven and the star of the sea,
hasten to help the fallen people who try to rise once more.
Thou who didst give birth to thy Holy Creator while Nature marvelled,
Virgin both before and after who accepted the All hail from Gabriel's mouth,
be merciful towards sinners.