From a 4th Grader

A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -fireman,mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Obama re-elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."

Keep an eye on your mail

Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package.  It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix,  a prayer rug,  a machine to blow smoke up my ass,  2 discount coupons to KFC,   an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker,   and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard. 

The directions were in Spanish. 

Warning: Wash them first

This incident happened recently in North Texas . 
A woman went boating one Sunday taking with her some cans of coke 
which she put into the refrigerator of the boat. 
On Monday she was taken to the hospital and placed in the Intensive Care Unit. 
She died on Wednesday. 

The autopsy concluded she died of Leptospirosis. 
This was traced to the can of coke she drank from, not using a glass. 
Tests showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and 
hence the disease Leptospirosis. 

Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. 
It is highly recommended to thoroughly wash the upper part 
of all soda cans before drinking out of them. 
The cans are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned. 

A study at NYCU showed that the tops of all soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets (i.e.). full of germs and bacteria. So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.

No Weapons Allowed

No Weapons Allowed

ATTENTION CRIMINALS

This is a Defense Free Crime Zone

All Law Abiding Patrons of This Establishment Have Been Disarmed For Your Convenience

Enjoy

The Management

OCAGV-No:HB12-020804

Provided by Buckeye Firearms Association.

“Defending your Firearms Rights” http://www.BuckeyeFirearms.org

The Answer to Criminals with Guns - Shoot Back

"Colorado is a concealed-carry state ... but so was Virginia when a college campus there was racked by violence. Like the school, the theater chain was also 'gun-free.'

In December 2007, two church members were shot to death and three others injured after a gunman opened fire outside the New Life Church in Colorado Springs as Sunday services were wrapping up. That tragedy could have been much worse, but the gunman was shot by a church security officer and was found dead when police arrived at the scene.

On April 22 of this year a just-released felon went to the New Destiny Christian Church in Aurora, Colo., and killed the mother of Pastor Delano Strahan before being killed himself by a congregant carrying a gun. Unlike the tragedies at Columbine High School and the movie theatre in Aurora, there was someone at these venues willing and able to shoot back. ...

The similarities between Aurora and the Virginia Tech massacre are eerie and maddening. In 2006, a Virginia Tech student was disciplined for carrying a gun on campus, despite having a permit. School officials were quick to note their school was a 'gun-free zone.' On April 16, 2007, there was no one able to shoot back when Seung-Hui Cho shot 32 people to death on a Virginia Tech campus. ...

Few Americans are aware that in an October 1997 shooting spree at a Pearl, Miss., high school that left two students dead, assistant principal Joel Myrick retrieved a gun from his car and immobilized the shooter until police arrived, preventing further killings. Or, in another school shooting in January 2002 at the Appalachian School of Law in Virginia, a disgruntled former student killed Law Dean L. Anthony Sutin, associate professor Thomas Blackwell and a student. Two of the three Virginia law students who overpowered the gunman were armed, preventing further deaths.

In February 2007, at a Salt Lake City mall, armed off-duty police officer Ken Hammond killed a young Muslim named Sulejman Talovic after he had killed five people, preventing an even larger massacre.

Yet liberals will insist the answer to criminal violence is more 'gun-free' zones and the disarming of more potential victims."

-Investor's Business Daily

The Middle Wife

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've  been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids  myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my  own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few  sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and  usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby  brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'  Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,  breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her  seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's

Show-and-tell day,  I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices... laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone  happy!

Can a Catholic also be a Mason?

FYI, from then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger via here:

It has been asked whether there has been any change in the Church’s decision in regard to Masonic associations since the new Code of Canon Law does not mention them expressly, unlike the previous code.

This sacred congregation is in a position to reply that this circumstance is due to an editorial criterion which was followed also in the case of other associations likewise unmentioned inasmuch as they are contained in wider categories.

Therefore, the Church’s negative judgment in regard to Masonic associations remains unchanged since their principles have always been considered irreconcilable with the doctrine of the Church and, therefore, membership in them remains forbidden. The faithful, who enroll in Masonic associations are in a state of grave sin and may not receive Holy Communion.

It is not within the competence of local ecclesiastical authorities to give a judgment on the nature of Masonic associations which would imply a derogation from what has been decided above, and this in line with the declaration of this sacred congregation issued Feb. 17,1981. 4 .

In an audience granted to the undersigned cardinal prefect, the Supreme Pontiff John Paul II approved and ordered the publication of this declaration which had been decided in an ordinary meeting of this sacred congregation.

Rome, from the Office of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Nov. 26, 1983 English translation from Latin. Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Prefect. Father Jerome Hamer, O.P., Titular Archbishop of Lorium, Secretary."Declaration of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith"; 26 November 1983.5 .